I don't understand love or life. I don't understand the judicial system. I don't understand how a murderer can walk free and how a boy cannot shake off bad luck when he's living right. i don't understand how heartbreak effects your heart. It hurts so bad. He said I deserved better, someone that's not a loser or cursed. Someone that can treat me the way I should be treated. He doesn't listen when i tell him he does all those things. I don't know where we stand. We're at a crossroads, and it doesn't look good. 

Can't sleep.
This sucks.
Online looking for jobs at 345 in the morning.
Found some positions that I'm interested.
I think Im going to play the psycho role and start badgering people. I need a job before I can move anywhere. At first I was eager just to jump up and leave, but Mom is leaving soon. So I cant rely on her for extra funds. I would just be quitting my job to sit around somewhere else. Can't do that since I have bills to pay.
Sigh.
I wish everything would fa into pace sooner rather than later.

I love my hair not straight. How wild and free and curly and wavy. I love it!!! I think I'm going to twist it.

I wish I could work for BET. I would fuck shit up.

I need to get a camera and take some pics. Of me. For the kids. Naw really for Jamal. And myself.

And yeah.

Today was hard work. I was really tired. My boss thought I loss my mind because I misplaced a 92 page document. It wasn't my fault that I had to cater to all these people who can't follow simple directions. I mean, wtf? At least read the directions first, maybe make an attempt before running to ask the first staff member you see asking for a control card. The sign clearly states no control card needed to use the copy machine. Bitches.

Other than that, paid my car payment, grr. I would have so much more money if I didnt have that stupid car.

Talked to Jamal this morning. We laughed a lot. About old shit, new shit. I remembered what I love about him which I thought I was slowly forgetting.

Um thats about it.

Oh made dinner. Chicken and macaroni with broccoli. YEAH!

Today was cool.
Hung out with the cuz.
My CD drive works. So since I can't find my poddy, I can at least have some cds with all the music I love!
My keyboard needs to be wiped down
I had Chinese for dinner.
Bought new shoes and a shirt. The shirt may be too small. I'm thinking about layering it, because it is too cute.
Going to wear both to le job.
Im glad I bought something for myself for once. Makes me feel happy. I really needed some new flats and the top is lovely.
Think I'm going to do something with my hair so I can look decent.
I know its Saturday, and no one will see. I just want to feel good about myself.
Thats about all. Pretty uneventful Friday.

MY mom never ceases to amaze me. Now shes in a hurry to move me out there when I told her I didn't want to be here in the first place.

Grr.

Went to work yesterday. No supervisors! So I learned how to say damn and bitch in sign language from my cowoerker. Also learned my name in sign language. Pretty jiffy. Smoked with my aunt and cousin. Then came home, started reading a book I checked out. Looked for more jobs in MD and CO. Overall it was a pretty good day.

This morning woke up. Had breakfast. Now lookin for more jobs chillin and reading. Don't think Ill go out today because of the way Im feeling. BLAH.

A.D.I.D.A.S

*sigh*

I hate writing subjects.

So this morning everybody was late to work. Even the person that supposed to be there 30 min. prior to opening to open didnt get there until about 5 mins. til 9. It was great. And lol. Running around turning everything on. The customers were like "why aren't the computers working?" and "where are the light?" Well excuse us for being late.

So decided at lunch today that I'm most definitely moving to CO. Found a couple of jobs that I'm interested in applying for- Administrative Assistant positions. (blah) I guess I have to start somewhere. I'm going to send my rusume online then call the company and let them know the deal. (relocating and the address I'm using is a real address)

That's about all. Just trying to figure out how I'm going t tell my dad and Jamal the deal. There's nothing here for me and there's nothing keeping me here. I don't have any kids and I'm grown. I should be globe trotting right now not bundled down in St. Mary's County. I hate it here.

Going to call my mom and let her know the deal.

So bored.
Its raining.
Made a plan:

Get job
Fix car
Find place

Im pretty much caught up with the bills so extra money oing to get saving up for tires and stuff.

I hope everything works out with the Boy and me.

So applying to jobs again. Seriously hardcore this time. I don't want to be here for much longer so I'm trying out a new venue: washingtonpost.com job classifieds . Hopefully, it works.

Mission:
Get out of my aunt's house

Deadline:
End of September

How:
Getting a job

Starts today because slavery is not a way of life.

Another week of no call backs...BLAH

I'll keep trying.

Jamal and I've been arguing more than usual. Shouldnt things get better now that hes coming on this end soon? Its a struggle sometimes to get him to understand where I am coming from. You have to give the same treatment/respect that you want to receive instead of the woe is me and everything is about me because im in a bad situation. Drives me crazy. Right now we're on a break. I declared it. No phone calls for a little bit so that I can organize the mess in my head. I'm not putting him on the back burner, just thinking self-preservation first.

Went to a job fair yesterday. Got a couple of good responses the rest lame because they are looking for people with math/science/computer degrees.

I want to write a collection of short stories. Someday I'll get started.

Umm interview today. I think I fucked it up. If so, more reason to leave this wack town.

Just chillin here. Hot outside. Like a Million degrees.

Wishing Jamal would call. Even tho we've been arguing like crazy for the past couple of weeks, I love him. I want everything to be the way it was before all this. Like when we first met. We could not have changed too much.

I kind of hope I get that job. How cool would it be to actually do creative shit and play all day AT MY JOB!?

I mean. Fuck it. I want it. I should call everybody and beg.

Um think that's about all. Other than the fact that I need a bowl. Mine is broken. And I dont know where to get one because Mally Mal got that one for me. And no way to ask on a recorded phone call. "Oh by the way whered you get that bowl from Jamal?" would def. not be the appropriate thing to say.

Well Im broke goin to call mi Madre for some cash. Hopefully, she'll western union it because since I overdrafted my account for gas, I cant cash any checks at my bank until Friday.

Until later3

Well quickly before I go to bed.

I talked to Jamal today. It was beautiful. Like I can adjust to talking to him like once a day or a couple of times a day just not back to back. Theres less tension and I feel like hes not spying so much. IDK. I can't explain it. It was calming and soothing and just chill. Not an all out fight like its been lately. I cant wait until he comes home. I think he deserves another chance. Doesn't everybody? I mean no ones perfect. Maybe this is a wake up call. Im just not ready for a family or marriage. That can still wait.

Job interview next Tuesday for the library!!!

Ultra-excited.

I have to look for a second job because my aunt is hinting to wanting me out of hte house when my cuz leaves for college. I need to find a roommmate, a place, a second job and a lot of the green stuff because I have a feeling everything is going to become ultra stressful.

Ok my puter is running out of batter. Deuces

This might sound terrible to say, but sometimes I'm a little happy Jamal isn't here. I miss my isolation, solitude, my soloness. I don't mind being by myself sometimes. I mean there's an ache for another person in my bed. But, I'm learning how to discount shop, to search the clothes racks because I know there's something. I've been reading a lot lately. I mean A LOT. Just everything. Young adult books. Historical fiction. Fantasy. Horror. I read a book about the honeybee crisis. I've been twisting my hair. Not saying its better. I just remember all the things I loss when I became apart of a couple. I think this time around whether its with or not, I'm going to need balance. Time for me.

In other news, there is a full time position at another library in my system. I'm applying. I got both of my supervisors and the children's librarian to say they would be my references. I'm filling out my app and going to turn it in. I hope I get it. IT mean great things.

THats about all. Starting to use my facebook a lot lately and I see why its so much better than myspace.

Well interview was a bust. :( My cuzzo said it wasn't you, it's just your schedule. But still I feel like I failed in some sort of way.

So the bills are piling. I'm behind on a couple of things like my car payment. Afraid to call in to make arrangements because I've done it so many times before. Made my car insurance by the skin of my teeth.

My pay check went to:
1. Car insurance
2. Interview clothes
3. A new car battery

And now this funny little indicator is on meaning take to Toyota immediately but I'm broke and what if they charge me for the check up? I don't have an extra vehicle. I need an oil change and a new transmission filter.

So I put in a couple of other apps. One a secretarial postion (BLAH) the other a full time library postion at a local school. However the library postion is only paying 18000 per year-what I make part time at the library and I still will not be able to afford my own place.

I thought I would have extra money to visit Jamal, but now I'm completely broke. SO he may have to go without a visit. I can't even keep money on my phone so that I can keep him updated on stuff. I'm about to tear my hair out.

But instead I will go find a sack, roll a blunt, return my shoes to Ross and keep my cool because something ALWAYS has to give.

So went to work today and found out some great/horrible news.

Chad Jones, the childrens librarian at Charlotte Hall, had to resign and he only gave two weeks notice. Boo Hoo. How sad.

Well bitches, this also means a new position has opened up. A FULL TIME POSITION! With BENEFITS!! AND NO WEEKENDS ALL THE TIME!!! AND SALARIED!!! Do you KNOW HOW EXCITED I AM!!!???!?!?!?

So Im hoping praying that they the apps out as soon as possible. I have a degree. I'm perky.

MAYNE!!!! I hope this works out for real.

In other news, changed my verizon phone number to virgin mobile phone. But its going to take a couple of days. I hope Jamal isnt freaking out. I need to stop by his gma's and let her know what the deal is.

Tomorrow going shopping for interview stuff. Hope everything falls into place because it finally feels liks things are moving, slowly, but definitely moving.

Sooo...I have a job interview on MONDAY!!!! SCORES!!!!

Can't wait!! Already planning my outfit. Actually, I'm just looking for my suit jacket and shirt. So pretty much just looking for scattered stuff.

I have to stop by that apartment place and see when is the latest they'll hold my application.

Please let this be the start of some great stuff!!!!

I feel like everyone is winning at life except for me :(

This job search stuff sucks ass!!!! People without college degrees are scoring jobs. Maybe I'm doing something wrong or maybe I'm just not qualified. I should just take my degree and work as a Wal-mart greeter for the rest of my life.